Hello Open-Minded One,

The term "narcissist" is frequently tossed around, especially in conversations about estrangement. Adult children label their parents as narcissists, parents apply the term to entire younger generations, and the social media therapists appear to be leading this narrative. I’d like to offer a fresh perspective on this label and its character traits. Perhaps, with a deeper understanding, we can open our minds and embrace a change on perspective.

To begin this shift in understanding, it’s helpful to explore the distinction between the authentic Self and the ego self—two aspects of identity that shape how we perceive ourselves and others. In spiritual texts, a capitalized 'S' refers to the higher or authentic Self, while a lowercase' s' denotes the ego or narcissistic self.

The Authentic Self:

• The Authentic Self is the true, core, and genuine aspect of your identity. It represents who you are at your deepest soul level, beyond societal expectations, conditioning, and external influences. 

• It is often associated with being in touch with your true values, beliefs, and desires. It is a state of Self-awareness that allows you to live in alignment with your inner truth.

• Achieving authenticity involves self-discovery and self-acceptance. It means being honest with yourself about your strengths, weaknesses, desires, and beliefs.

• Operating from this level of consciousness enables you to see and honor others with the grace you would want another to afford you. In its simplicity, encapsulated in a single word: Namaste, which means, "The divine in me honors the divine in you." This mutual respect is the foundation of always accepting one another, warts and all.

The Ego and the Narcissist: The Disconnect Between True Self and Persona

• The ego self, by contrast, is closely tied to the self-image we project to the world. It is shaped by external factors such as societal norms, cultural expectations, and the desire for approval and validation, including remediations like validation therapy.

• The ego can lead to a false sense of identity and may cause you to act in ways that are inauthentic in order to protect your self-image or to gain social approval.

• The ego can create a disconnect between your true Self and your external persona, often leading to inner conflicts and unhappiness.

• Operating from this lower level of consciousness leads to perceiving others through a lens of harsh judgment, often reducing them to a single label: "The Narcissist", implying a self-centered or egotistical nature. Yet, if you recognize it in another, it reflects something present within you as well.

The Authentic Self vs the ego self

The concept of the authentic Self versus the ego self can be understood as two different aspects of an individual's identity, and this contrast is not just essential for self-awareness and Self-reclamation, but also empowers you to heal and take control of your life.

Life mirrors what’s within us, not to punish or reward, but to help us grow, heal, and align with our true Selves. By observing what life reflects back—whether joy, frustration, love, or pain—we gain insights into our inner world and the opportunity to make changes that can shift our external reality.

Essentially, the authentic Self is about being in touch with your true values and living consistently with your inner truth. At the same time, the ego self is more concerned with external appearances, validation, and conforming to societal norms.

When My Ego Abducted Me and I Was A Narcissist

When my daughter went no contact and stopped talking to me, I found myself devastated, hurt, and mad as hell. How dare she ignore me after everything I have done for her—the sacrifices, the sleepless nights spent worrying about her well-being, and the countless hours dedicated to supporting her dreams, and the…and the…and the…

Her silence felt unbearable, yet it bestowed upon me an unexpected gift: three years to embark on a journey of self-discovery and confront the deeper truths behind my own pain. I was forced to grapple with a hard question: Who am I becoming because of her choice? The answer was sobering and unsettling—I didn’t recognize the person I was becoming, a shadow of my former self, plagued by dark thoughts I never imagined a confident and positive person like me could entertain… and attempt. This painful reflection shattered my illusions and ignited a desperate need for change, pushing me to reclaim my identity and confront the depths of my own despair. In this tumultuous process, I realized something profound: I wasn’t merely experiencing a dark night of the soul, but rather a dark night of the ego, a necessary reckoning that would ultimately lead me to a more authentic and happy version of myself.

I knew I had to dig deeper, to understand what unconditional love truly means in the face of estrangement. As I consciously worked to heal myself, the bigger picture became clearer: my estranged daughter needed the freedom to grow, learn, and navigate her own path—a crucial part of her individuation and personality integration process. How could I not see this before? Why had I wanted her to fit into MY box, to conform to my expectations? In that moment of realization, I understood that letting go is a beautiful thing, a profound act of love that allows both of us to flourish in our own ways.

I embraced the idea of truly letting go, releasing my grip on the past and opening my heart to the possibilities available to her, no matter where it might lead—with or without me. This shift in perspective was liberating; it allowed me to honor her journey as her own, free from my expectations and fears. I began to understand that love isn’t about possession or control, but about supporting her in becoming the person she is meant to be, even if that meant stepping back and allowing her the space to grow independently. In this newfound acceptance, I found peace, knowing that my love for her would remain steadfast, regardless of the distance between us.

Through this inner journey, I discovered a deeper love for my own life, which transformed the way we reconnected. Our reunion felt effortless, built on a foundation of mutual respect and understanding, where each of us felt valued and heard. It was as if the silence had cleared the air, allowing us to approach one another with fresh perspectives and open hearts. Today, I recognize how vital it is to honor both of my daughters' journeys, just as I continue to discover and honor my own. This newfound awareness has enriched our relationship, reminding me that love thrives not in possession, but in the freedom to grow and evolve together, even as we each carve our own paths.

Personality Integration

Achieving a balance between these two aspects of yourself by integrating everything that happens to you is the key to your healing, personal growth, and self-acceptance.

Therefore, I know I will always be a work in progress.

It's important to note that some spiritual and psychological traditions advocate transcending or minimizing the ego in favor of the authentic Self. These traditions see the ego as a source of suffering and illusion, and this is 100% true.

However, everything you’ve ever experienced—the bright spots, dark moments, and messy parts—has shaped who you are and holds value in your journey. Nothing was a mistake; each moment offers an opportunity to heal and grow.

I'm happy to share my healing process and perhaps it can help you also reclaim and integrate lost aspects of yourself, seeing yourself as a whole, unique individual. You are an essential thread in the tapestry of life, playing a vital role in the shared human journey.

Embarking on this journey of self-discovery, self-honesty, and self-acceptance, you will discover the ego as a necessary aspect of your human identity that can be integrated with your authentic Self. This understanding aligns with “The Law of Emergence,” which is incorporated throughout my healing process. 

The relationship between the authentic Self and the ego self is indeed a complex and nuanced topic, and will vary depending on your individual beliefs and perspectives and, by the way, will change, morph and evolve as you go through life.

With you on the journey,

“When all is said and done, the only change that will make a difference is the transformation of the human heart .” - Peter Senge